I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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