she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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