my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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