I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
