I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
