I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
