Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
