I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
