I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
