Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
