I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
