glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Randomize
