If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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