Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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