Just fell off a train. Bad.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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