Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
where are you?
Hypothermia
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
