why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
