he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
then he tried to convert me to islam
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
