life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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