i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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