Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
