I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
