we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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