just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
