just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
