Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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