We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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