Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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