I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
