i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
