he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
