Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
