Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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