They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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