I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
worst night to have a conscience
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
