I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
