3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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