My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
You need Xanax blowdarts
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
