found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
