I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
