Can Purell be used as lube?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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