I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
