I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
