Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
