I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
