I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
