i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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