Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
