your parents love me but you hate me
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
