wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
